I AM AFRAID TO LOVE
I don’t know exactly why this is so, but it has been an issue of mine for quite some time now, and I’m afraid it will negatively impact me in the future.
For context, I am a 20-year-old man currently pursuing a bachelor’s in media, so some might argue that I am too young to be thinking about it, but I don’t feel the same way about the topic.
I don’t know what age exactly one should consider loving someone but nevertheless, even now, I feel afraid to give my whole self to someone.
This might come as a contribution to the many experiences I’ve had in the course of my life, and if so, I don’t know which of them it is.
Childhood
I am the second born in my family.
Well, we’re only two, so you might say I’m the last born then.
Before hitting puberty, I was a fat boy who had it rough connecting with people apart from my mum and sister.
This might have contributed to my lack of confidence over the years since I was made fun of for being big, and I never had the voice to speak up for myself.
Even after getting in shape, I was still afraid to socialize with people, mainly because I believed I was shy, and this, in turn, made me lose out on opportunities to make friends.
A factor in my childhood that I believe made me be like this is a time when my sister blurted out that I was an ugly boy who girls would never be attracted to.
Was it because of my big incisors or red eyes that she said this? I really don’t know, and sadly for me, I took it to heart.
This is what made me afraid to talk to girls or even stay in the same room with them if it was not for classes.
Perhaps it was just a slip of the tongue, but it proved to be a great hinderance to myself seeing that whenever someone approached me or I approached someone, I would always think that they saw me as an ugly guy and so I never prolonged a conversation in fear of that.
To help me learn to converse with people, I sought ulterior methods which I found through the web.
At times, you would find me searching up,
‘How to talk to girls,’
‘How to become confident,’
or even
‘How to start a conversation.’
God I even visited a guidance and counselor, but all this proved to be futile.
My mom sadly didn’t notice my condition since I was always so confident and talkative when around her but in truth, I didn’t want her to know about such a thing since at the time I too was ashamed of that condition.
All this in turn made me lose a lot.
I lost my childhood friends, whom until recently, I started chatting with again.
I lost my need to seek company; hence, I just stayed alone and even got scared to play sports since I was always frightened by the thought of seeing people.
I became distant, and to cope with this, I started some weird habits.
Addiction
I became an addict.
Not the usual drug addict, as you might be thinking, but a pornography addict.
Sex was an alien language to me before entering class six where it was in the syllabus.
I hadn’t paid much attention to it at first, but on entering high school, the topics my peers indulged in made me feel as though I was ancient, and through them, I became more entranced in wanting to know more about sex.
I was still at battle with myself since I still couldn’t approach ladies, so I sought another way to learn more about it, and there is where I came across pornography.
I would browse all over the unrestricted sites to see adults engaging in sex, and sadly that made me feel better.
At first, I thought I could control my urge to watch it, but it became more of a problem than the short-term solution I had in mind.
I realized my addiction was becoming more serious when I couldn’t go a day without watching a video of it.
I would steal or con my mum into lending me 100 shillings for airtime so as to buy enough data to watch porn till late at night and wake up to some more.
In time, I started engaging in masturbation, which I found disgusting at first, but it later grew on me.
I would fap any time I felt like, and this became an addiction too.
I couldn’t go a day without fapping twice. Once before sleeping and the other at any time of the day.
Breaking this cycle took some time.
Hell, I believe I am still fighting the urge right now.
One small slip, and I could be right back to square one.
It was hard for me to view women in a more positive manner since I had consumed hundreds of videos on pornography.
At times, I couldn’t even look at my mother and sister since I felt as though I had wronged them when in fact I hadn’t.
I couldn’t help but disrobe women, wondering how they would be in bed or even looked naked.
My brain was rotten to the core, and I was ashamed of myself.
Intimacy with no attachment
In order to break my addiction, I came to the conclusion that I would be free from it if I slept with a woman, breaking my virginity.
At the time, it seemed like the only logical conclusion, so I sought a lady to have a connection with, and hopefully, we could engage in the act.
It didn’t take long for such an event to showcase itself.
I found a girl. Till this day, I still wonder how I was able to bag her, truth be told.
To be sincere, I can say I seldom kept in effort to maintain our relationship since she was always the one initiating dates and other couple activities.
All I did was just be present. I feel like I could have done more for her as her boyfriend at the time.
Perhaps she too was looking for a gent who was longing for intimacy because in less than 2 months, we were already in the bed phase.
I thought my addiction would come to a standstill, but it didn’t.
It just increased my options.
I could choose to either gratify myself or have sex with my girlfriend.
In time, even the little focus I had for her dissipated, and I ended up alone.
This is why I fear getting into a relationship with someone. I feel as though what I will give will not be enough in her eyes.
I fear I might disappoint rather than satisfy.
I fear that I would be longing for more of the sex than being emotionally attached.
I fear I might give up fast on us.
Way forward
I’m still working on me, truth be told.
Making progress day by day.
In time, I hope to give myself a chance at love and see how it goes.
I am still learning how to love myself and look past my imperfections.
For now, I am in no rush to love.
I actually don’t even know what love I am seeking for, but in time, I’ll figure it out.
All I hope for is that I wouldn’t be ignorant to repeat the mistakes I made in the past, for I know coming out of that rabbit hole will take a lot from me just as it did then.
A step at a time, that’s how I’ll venture this time.
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